CRITIQUE

MY ADVENTURES IN CLICKING: THE BOMBSHELL WEBSITE

News, Opinion, Video Games

by Bipol Alam

They did it.  Everything I love in the world encapsulated on one page.  Is it real?

Yes it is.

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As #Xhristian pointed out, The Division (Tom Clancy Dystopia Training Simulator) has been pushed back to Q? 2015.  I fear that by the time of its release, nuclear war will have already happened, and the training manual will be of no use to us anymore.  However, do not fret my fellow armchair-mad-max-wannabes for our savior has come, and her name is SHELLY “BOMBSHELL” HARRISON.

The Gods at 3D Realms have crafted the perfect sexy lady badass who happens to be equipped with all the knowledge we’ll need to survive Fallout 4.   Unlike the boys at The Division, (who apparently want us to die in 2015), 3D Realms has PROMISED a ROCK-SOLID release date of Q1 2015.

I know what you’re wondering – Bipol, how did you get all this information?  Well, let’s just say that I’ve been designated a prophet by our Lords in 3D Heaven, for they have given me our bible :  http://bombshellgame.com

With a click you’ll be baptized in the glory of HARD ROCK MUSIC and EDGY STEEL INDUSTRIAL TYPOGRAPHY.  If this doesn’t evoke the lame out of you, scroll down.  In the words of our savior, Shelly “Bombshell” Harrison: “PREPARE YOUR FACE”.

Is that a video in the center of your screen?  Fuck yeah it is.  If you can bear stopping the HARD ROCK MUSIC for the 3 minutes and 27 seconds then go for the click, I sure as hell couldn’t.  If someone in the comments could tell me what happens in that video, I’d appreciate it.

EDIT: Alright, I decided that my journalistic integrity would be tarnished if I didn’t watch the video.  Unfortunately they opted for some weird deus ex sci-fi kind of beep boop stuff.  Not my cup of Daniels Jackson.

WAIT – THIS IS A VIDEO GAME?  A VIDEO GAME ACTION RPG FEATURING “INTENSE STORYTELLING ACTION”?!  HOW DID THEY KNOW?

This “brilliantly brutal” top-down RPG X-core shooter is coming soon to your PC or PS4.  You should be excited.

 

 

 

 

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WHAT AM I DOING? A BRIEF DISCOURSE ON WHY I HATE JRPGS

Opinion, Video Games

by Bipol Alam

“Woah! Look at that title!  Man, that is such a strange opinion, I bet.  He doesn’t like JRPGs? How does he live!  Everyone loves JRPGs.  They are probably the most rigorously built, engaging, innovative genre of video game I have ever played. “

–       No one ever (Tristan Tran)

JRPGs are like skinner boxes for pre-pubescent boys who just learned how to massage their boners.

“JRPG’s are good because of the plot and character development”.

Oh.  That makes sense actually.  The mechanics of JRPGs are rote to showcase the true source of entertainment, the plot.  I get it, okay?  It’s like comic books – a little male fantasy to escape in.  A super powerful generic protagonist boy with his hot 12-year old kid-sister-love-interest travels for 60 hours killing wild animals in order to save the world.  Intense.  How many people can I fuck in the game?  Zero. That’s okay.  I have 60 hours to obsess over the dialog and allergy problems of my kid-sister.  What other game can provide you with that?

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OMG BONER ALERT

How the fuck can she have allergies with that Voldemort-esque snake-nose.  Oh wait – that’s her O-face.  Got it.  Still can’t fuck her though.  I wonder if someone has drawn her nudie bits for me.

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Meow

Oh jesus – submissive cat poses get me off like nothing else.  I blurred the bits that may offend people.  Then again, if you are offended by submissive cat poses, why are you on a website named Nerd Orgy?  Seriously.  Who thought that was a good name?

Why do they deprive me of sex with these cat women?  These games are horny generators.  Oh wait – brain blast.   JRPGs are the ultimate form of foreplay.   60 hours of it.  After surviving a Tales game, you’ll have the stamina of a God.  Actually, I changed my mind.

I think turn-based RPGs were made to maximize fap time in between combat rounds.  You have a good 15 seconds to get one out during the enemy combat phase.  If you can’t get off during the round, there is always a chance during the Victory Orgy.

That 40-plus-year-old-American-feigning-youth mating call makes my loins dance.   It’s like a strange combination between M.I.L.F.-ness and pedophilia that drives any Tales-Of attracted male insane. If you don’t touch yourself in these moments, you’re either a monk, or asexual.  Hell, I can’t even imagine how RED 2 GO the actors are in the studio.  I wonder how many JRPG voice actors have slept with Troy Baker.  Probably a ton.  I’d sleep with Troy Baker.

I take everything back.  JRPGs are everything I want games to be.