WHAT AM I DOING? A BRIEF DISCOURSE ON WHY I HATE JRPGS

Opinion, Video Games

by Bipol Alam

“Woah! Look at that title!  Man, that is such a strange opinion, I bet.  He doesn’t like JRPGs? How does he live!  Everyone loves JRPGs.  They are probably the most rigorously built, engaging, innovative genre of video game I have ever played. “

–       No one ever (Tristan Tran)

JRPGs are like skinner boxes for pre-pubescent boys who just learned how to massage their boners.

“JRPG’s are good because of the plot and character development”.

Oh.  That makes sense actually.  The mechanics of JRPGs are rote to showcase the true source of entertainment, the plot.  I get it, okay?  It’s like comic books – a little male fantasy to escape in.  A super powerful generic protagonist boy with his hot 12-year old kid-sister-love-interest travels for 60 hours killing wild animals in order to save the world.  Intense.  How many people can I fuck in the game?  Zero. That’s okay.  I have 60 hours to obsess over the dialog and allergy problems of my kid-sister.  What other game can provide you with that?

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OMG BONER ALERT

How the fuck can she have allergies with that Voldemort-esque snake-nose.  Oh wait – that’s her O-face.  Got it.  Still can’t fuck her though.  I wonder if someone has drawn her nudie bits for me.

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Meow

Oh jesus – submissive cat poses get me off like nothing else.  I blurred the bits that may offend people.  Then again, if you are offended by submissive cat poses, why are you on a website named Nerd Orgy?  Seriously.  Who thought that was a good name?

Why do they deprive me of sex with these cat women?  These games are horny generators.  Oh wait – brain blast.   JRPGs are the ultimate form of foreplay.   60 hours of it.  After surviving a Tales game, you’ll have the stamina of a God.  Actually, I changed my mind.

I think turn-based RPGs were made to maximize fap time in between combat rounds.  You have a good 15 seconds to get one out during the enemy combat phase.  If you can’t get off during the round, there is always a chance during the Victory Orgy.

That 40-plus-year-old-American-feigning-youth mating call makes my loins dance.   It’s like a strange combination between M.I.L.F.-ness and pedophilia that drives any Tales-Of attracted male insane. If you don’t touch yourself in these moments, you’re either a monk, or asexual.  Hell, I can’t even imagine how RED 2 GO the actors are in the studio.  I wonder how many JRPG voice actors have slept with Troy Baker.  Probably a ton.  I’d sleep with Troy Baker.

I take everything back.  JRPGs are everything I want games to be.

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